Originally printed in 2002 in Crime, Justice and America magazine and reposted with permission from Crime, Justice and America magazine
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: “May I see your driver’s license?”
Driver: “I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.”
Officer: “May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?”
Driver: “It’s not my car. I stole it.”
Officer: “The car is stolen?”
Driver: “That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.”
Officer: “There’s a gun in the glove box?”
Driver: “Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.”
Officer: “There’s a BODY in the TRUNK???”
Driver: “Yes, sir.”
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: “Sir, can I see your license?”
Driver: “Sure. Here it is.”
It was valid.
Captain: “Whose car is this?”
Driver: “It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.”
The driver owned the car.
Captain: “Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?”
Driver: “Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.”
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: “Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.”
Driver: “No problem.”
Trunk is opened. No body.
Captain: “I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.”
Driver: “Yeah, I’ll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.”
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”
The Godfather says, “Okay… Ask him where the money is.”
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the $3 million is.
The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where the money is!”
The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”
The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”
The Godfather says, “Well…. What did he say?”
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he’d done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
“Congratulations,” the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. “You did superbly under cross-examination.”
“Thanks,” he said, “but he sure had me worried.”
“How’s that?” the lawyer asked.
“I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!”
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